Irrational Hatreds was going to become a regular series on this blog once upon a time. Whoops, sorry. But here’s a special one, all about Bristolianisms. (AKA the most middle-class thing you’ll read on WordPress all year.)
I live in Bristol. Great city. Some great people. But sadly, it’s packed with absolutely bloody terrible colloquialisms. And now I’m going to inflict them on you. Imagine them being read out by Justin Lee Collins’ younger brother, if he was in a school placed in special measures.
1. Reet, Moy Luvver?
No, I’m not “reet”. And frankly, I’m not your lover either. That’s slightly presumptuous. If I was your lover, I’d likely be clinically depressed. And I’m not. Motion dismissed.
2. Smooth The Cat
No, you “stroke” the cat. Please die.
3. Werz It To?
No. “Where is it?”
4. *Nods*… Droiv
Appreciation for the bus driver upon exiting said vehicle.
5. Oi Don’t Likes ‘Ee
And he probably doesn’t like you either. Even worse when “ee” turns out to be an inanimate object.
Many Bristolians like to put an “l” on the pronunciation of certain words. Idea becomes ideal. Asda becomes Asdawl. Nope, I don’t understand it either and I’m from here.
Translation: mirror. Two syllables. No wonder you’re shit at charades.
8. Oh Ah
This one pretty much means: “Yes, I understand.” Not funny, but true.
9. Our Maaa
Surprisingly, this isn’t what British soldiers need more of (bit of satire for you there, ladies and gents). The phrase is in fact used when someone is talking about their mother. As in, the person who’s speaking’s mother. And therefore, not my mother. So using the word “our”, which means that she belongs to us – as in plural – basically makes me want to punch things. Unless she really is my mother too, of course – in which case I’ve been lied to all these years and basically want to punch things.
10. Mike, You’re The Worst Kind Of Snobby Little Git
It’s a fair cop, Guv. 😦