The Big Clean

Tomorrow is round two of ‘Mike and Jo try to get a new fixed rate mortgage’. I’m surprised that Channel 4 haven’t already commissioned a Kirstie Allsopp-fronted gameshow along similar lines, to be honest. Our quest for the remortgage didn’t go so well last time, remember, but as this is officially The Week of Awesome (TM), I’m pretty optimistic that this time we’ll get the right result. Once again, we need a valuation that makes our remaining mortgage amount only 85% of what the house is worth.

As a new valuer is set to come round to the house at 9am to pronounce judgement, my wife has gone into full-on clean freak mode. This happens whenever anyone’s set to come over, to be honest, but tonight is the super-max version. If it was a Starbucks coffee size, it’d be “Humongo Venti”. One discussion that we had this evening involved trying to decide whether to take off the cover on the dining-room table, which we always leave on because the cats would claw the living shit out of it otherwise. (Jo: “The table’ll look nicer with it off.” Me: “Yeah, but will it really add a grand to the value of the house?”) It stays. The floor’s now so clean that you could eat your dinner off it – as the cats will attest to, having tried it with sliced chicken from the fridge – and the carpets have been hoovered to within an inch of their lives.

Part of the fun of having cats, of course, is the hair. It gets everywhere. I have a particular pair of work trousers which attract cat hair like Brian Blessed is attracted to shouting. Why even hoover? I could just run the trousers all over the furniture and pick everything up. In order to nuke the cat hair, we have a Dyson with a special attachment that was a good excuse to make it much more expensive. Does it work? No idea – by the time it’s gone round everywhere, one of our cats has already tried to re-establish her territory. It’s unsurprising that when we lucked into the cats and then bought this house, the stock in sticky-roller companies went through the roof.

But anyway, the house looks rather nice now, so it’s over to the valuer, I guess. I may well bribe her with cups of tea. I make good tea. That’s got to be worth an extra grand or two, surely…

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